Just me thinking......
I've been thinking..if our bodies are made up of energy, a person's soul some would say, where does that energy go when the body dies? Does it slowly fade away and just cease to exist? Doesn't the energy have to go somewhere?
If you believe in spirits and the ghost hunting shows than you know Paranormal Investigators use K2 meters to measure Kenetic Energy. Something they claim will be high if a spirit is trying to manifest itself. I'm not sure if there's scientific data to back that up or if it's just a tool for these ghost hunters and the ratings of their shows.
I've heard of experiences people have had and although I don't doubt their stories, I'm also not calling the National Enquirer. Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us.....in a moment of intense grief, I really thought I heard Aunt Annies voice. Is it the overwhelming guilt of not going to California to see her before she died or could it be........
I would love to think she'd visit me and it's something I asked her to do before she died(I know that sounds a little strange). But in my moment of rationalizing what I thought I heard, did I miss my opportunity to hear her voice one more time?
Selfish or Not....
When I think of selfishness I think of a purposeful act......I want so bad to go home for a visit, but I still can't bring myself to do it. No matter how hard I try I just can't bear the thought of a visit and Aunt Annie not being there. So is feeling that way still selfish when it's not on purpose???
When does it get easier....
It's been 4 months since she left us and it seems like only yesterday I got the call. When can I expect this sadness that glooms over me to subside? You always here people say it get's easier.....ok so when does it get easier? Is it easier because they've lost loved one's before and this isn't their first time? What the hell does it mean....it get's easier? I've only lost my Grandma and not that I wasn't sad, but she was 93 yrs old. She had a good long life. She saw her children and grandchildren grow and marry. She met all of her great grandchildren. It seemed to me her journey was complete. I wonder if that's my problem....feeling that Aunt Annie's journey was not complete. I wasn't ready for her to go..none of us was. I can't help but think I need to go home and face the reality that she is no longer there. For some reason I think it will be the closure I need....I don't know. I just know I'm in a pit of sadness, thinking of her all the time....People say god had a different plan for her....I say screw that, we needed her here!
Regret......
So the old saying is true, "you never know what you have until it's gone"....
I can't stop thinking about the many times I told myself I should call or I should write...shoulda, woulda, coulda. That's what my thoughts are consumed with these days.
I have two letters to write and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I did have three, so at least I accomplished writing the one. The hard part for me is the pain, the guilt of not being a better niece....and now my lack of reaching out to my family, which only perpetuates the feelings of regret.
Why do I find it so hard to just say what I feel? I know by what I write here it may not seem I have that problem, but this is different. I don't know why but it just is. I just know if I don't write my thoughts I find myself almost having an anxiety attack. Weird huh? I know I need to finish writing those letters. Maybe this is my training ground to do that.......
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